Time shared

child custody, time shared, lonliness, adjustment, single mom, divorce, marriage, This past weekend was a big adjustment for us.

Our new custody schedule kicked in.

It was the longest stretch Landyn has been away from me (5 days),

and I hated every minute of it.

It’s funny how the moment you become a mommy, you live and breath, just that.

Being a mommy.

Your maternal instincts kick in, and every decision from there on out, is with your little in mind.

Since day one, Landyn has been 100% in my care.

She’s never been to day care.
I’ve always been in control.

I know what she is doing day in, and day out.

I know what she is eating. I know when she is sleeping. I know just how many time outs she has had.

I know no different.

That is until the legal system tells you it’s in your child’s best interest to be apart from you half of the time.

And it breaks your heart.

You trust that this in fact your child’s best interest, and you let her go.

But inside it kills you. It takes every thing you have.

It becomes a full fledged grieving process.

You feel empty.

You look around your {quiet} house, and every little thing reminds you of her.

Little socks. Hair ties. Her favorite blanket. Sippy Cups. 

You torture yourself, and look thru photos.

What once was. 

You call every night before she goes to bed,

and hearing your voice, just makes her cry.

It makes you cry.

Rip my heart out and stomp on it.

You count down the hours until it’s “your” time again.

But it seems like eternity.

You feel lost. Not sure how to fill your time.

As though your purpose in life, was taken away from you.

You become absent from your weekly play groups, because theres a 50% chance, they will fall on daddy’s time.

And the thought of going alone, to watch the other momma’s and babies, is too much to bear.

While I’ve been told, it gets easier,

I find myself wondering if that’s really true.

Does occupying your time and finding new beginnings, really make things better?

Or does it simply put a band aid over the hurt?

I suppose only time will tell.

Comments

  1. Heather G. says:

    This post breaks my heart. I am so, so sorry! Big hugs!!

  2. Rachelle says:

    That’s the worst.

    When the girls were away I seriously had nothing to do. I don’t have a lot of girl friends around here and I’m such a homebody it’s ridiculous. Hugs mama. I can’t promise you it gets easier, but I’ll sure hope it for you.

    xo

  3. Cindy says:

    Trust me. It gets better. I promise.

  4. Lish says:

    I would hate to even wonder how I would cope with what your going through. There are no words really….hang in there :) You can’t ever turn off being a mama…

  5. Lindsay says:

    Hugs sweet Lady. I have no advice – just lots and lots of hugs!

  6. Stay busy hun! That’s the best advice I got. I used to let it hinder me and I’d just sit and do next to nothing…even when I had a million things to do. Now I try my best to use the time wisely, so that when I am with Jax, I can spend quality time with him. I don’t think it’s something you get used to, it’s something you learn to manage. And you will…because you are strong and God loves you !!! :)
    xo.

  7. wish I had better words or any at all to say that would be encouraging, but just know I’m praying for you in this new period of adjustment friend.

    much love, ashley

  8. I can’t even imagine. I can only keep you in my prayers. ive never commented on your blog before, but this post tore at my heart. im so sad for you, but I know you are strong and I know it will get easier–it has to. and i commend you on sharing this and your heart so openly. i know it speaks to other womens hearts as well. keep being you. keep sharing. God will and is using your testimony.

  9. Brooke says:

    I never comment on blogs but I stumbled upon yours this morning and I wanted to give you a hug! I am in the throws of a custody battle myself and it is so hard. I too stay at home with my babies (6 and 3) and I know that when this is over and I have to go days without seeing them I will be in a very bad place. Hang in there and I will be praying for you !

  10. Praying for you sweet friend! Hurts my heart to see you go through this.
    BIG HUGS!

  11. Darlene says:

    My heart hurts for you friend. Stay strong!

  12. Rena says:

    wow i dont even know what to say just that im thinking of you and wish you strength and courage to get through this.

  13. Christina says:

    Lots of love and prayers friend, coming your way! As I was praying for you and Landyn this morning I literally said outloud to myself, “I can’t even imagine!!!!!” because I truly can’t, so I won’t pretend like I know your pain, but I will be praying, praying, praying!!!! :) Surrounding you in love, hugs and prayers! :)

  14. ugh! my heart is just aching for you! we have so been there, and while it does get “easier” I think it’s more getting used to it and the situation more than your heart doesn’t ache as much. :( I’m sorry doll! I know how hard this is for you and what a tough time you are going through! love you lots! xoxo

  15. Erin T says:

    Oh dear. My heart hurts for you. Ugh! I supposed it will get easier over time, but I’d never tell you that …. because I don’t know. Adjustment sucks. I will be praying for you daily – praying for bits and pieces of sunshine to shine on your days when she’s away. You are a wonderful Momma, friend and lady …. good times/luck/blessings are certain to come your way soon.

  16. you poor poor thing. your baby loves you like crazy and you’re a fabulous mama to her when you’re with her and that’s what’s important. i know i can’t speak from experience, but hopefully you will find other ways to fill your days that help you to focus on other things. please let me know if there’s anything i can do.

  17. sharstin says:

    oh gal–so sorry–i can only hope that everyday is better~

  18. ginanorma says:

    I feel for you and ache for you. I was never married, my daughter is 17 now, but her dad and I shared every other weekend for years. And I could feel all you wrote, and I am sorry for your breaking heart. But there is so much you can do in this time, and so much you will learn. You will grow like a wildflower! You will see that you aren’t really in control anyway, you will find that letting go can be a good healthy thing, and you will have so much character you won’t know what to do with! Messes are God’s best dealings!
    It will ease up for you but it’s ok that it SUCKS. I remember sending my daughter off with her dad and he was irresponsible, and that KILLED. B/c the courts will do NOTHING about that unless he’s drinking or doing drugs or abusing her….like it has to be really really bad for them to step in. So I learned a lot about having faith, letting go, and accepting….
    Bless your heart…

  19. Krysten says:

    I am so sorry. I don’t even know what to say because I’ve never gone through anything like this but I truly hope things get better.

  20. nicole says:

    My heart is breaking for you Lindsay! I am so sorry you have to go through this! You are such a wonderful momma, and you deserve to be with your little Landyn all the time.

  21. Oh honey!!! My heart is breaking for you!!! I can’t even imagine!!! It really does seem SO unfair to you and Landyn both!! I mean, you have been together everyday since YOU had her!! I could really get on my soap box here, but I won’t, because that won’t do any good!!! ;)

    You are such a wonderful mama and a beautiful person inside and out!! I wish I could give you a BIG hug right now. The only advice I know to give, is this….. Stay busy doing things you love!! Plan weekly dinners out with girlfriends (when shes gone), join a yoga class, do things for YOU to help you heal. And then when she is with you, you can be 100% with her and not have to worry about the cleaning and the laundry…

    Oh, and plan a trip to Texas!!! ;)
    XOXO

  22. jayme says:

    my love. i wish i could be there to take some time off your hands and keep you occupied but just know i’m thinking of you and praying for you. it’s tough but it will get better. keep your head up and know that little girl needs you to be strong. xoxo

  23. Anna @ IHOD says:

    I know this has to hurt immensely. Keep focused at that light at the end of the tunnel and walk each step with God.
    Hugs friend!

  24. Hanna says:

    I cannot even fathom this. I would be so heart broken wihtout my babes for even one night. I’m so sorry Lindsay

  25. lori says:

    so many hugs and prayers sent your way lindsay. i can’t even imagine. :(

  26. Dani says:

    bleh.

    That’s all…

Trackbacks

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