Have you ever been called out?
Either by a complete stranger, or someone that may know you better than you know yourself?
Well it happened to me.
A part of you wants to fight back in defense, but deep down, you know that a particular person is dead on.
And you dwell on it…
You see, from the outside, I paint this picture as though I am a strong, confident, fearless women.
But deep down, I am struggling.
I feel sad. Empty.
Through this whole divorce, I have painted a picture as though I haven’t missed a beat.
100% confidence the whole time.
It’s easy to distract yourself from the pain…I’m darn good at it.
But now that the emotions have passed, I look back and doubt myself.
Had I trusted in Him more, I feel like I could have made things right.
You see, when you are in over your head in uglyness, it is SO EASY to run.
And boy did I ever…
I grew up with this “always do what’s right” mentality, and I finally hit my breaking point.
For once, I wanted to do what my impulses told me.
I wanted to be selfish. Not think of my consequences.
Lately, I spend a good majority of my days inside my head going back and forth with my decisions.
I am NOT confident I did the right thing.
I would do many things differently.
I am an emotional roller coaster.
Have I completely sabotaged myself?
Perhaps…
I think above anything, I need healing.
I need to give it all to Him and trust his plan a little bit more.
I need to realize that it is ok to accept help.
It is ok to admit failure.
“Every experience God gives us, every person He puts into our lives, is the perfect preparation for a future only He can see”.
I am a true believer that what is meant to be will be.
For now, it’s one day at a time.
aaawww sweets! stay STRONG…it is SO hard but it WILL get better and you will become stronger and stronger each day! luv ya
Stay strong girl! It will get better
taking it one day at a time is a good plan. sometimes minute by minute works too! stay strong and believe in yourself! xo
Did you write this post for me? I go through this all the time. Hugs
Ah gal, such a hard thing. You are incredible and strong!
Oh I so know how you’re feeling. Healing is so important and it’s okay to not be strong. We don’t have to be strong. What really helped me was speaking with a Christian counseling. I actually went to counseling for years. I still see my counselor that helped me work through my pain and find healing. I went through a support group called Mending the Soul which was challenging but so worth it. Focus on your healing because that will make you who God wants you to be and the best mom for Landyn. Hang in there!
Honey I pray for you every night. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. It may seem that way for now but this too shall pass. Just don’t rush into anything too fast. Do go for some counseling. There are groups out there that doesn’t cost much or are free. You are okay, you are working through so many feelings right now and that is understandable. Just be the best mom as you can be for Landyn. Children can be a healer and they know when things aren’t right, so show her love and understanding. Keep your chin up.
I’m going to echo the sentiments of the wonderful ladies here – and say that I too understand COMPLETELY what you are feeling. Though I was not the one who wanted the divorce, muddling through the process and the loss of a decade of my life has been excruciating. It has been almost TWO years. And just now, just NOW, am I seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
My nana used to say, “this too shall pass”. And it will babe. I promise you. Take comfort in the beauty and innocence of that gorgeous little girl of yours, and don’t be afraid to let it out here. I used my blog as a coping mechanism, and I found the greatest and most GENUINE friends of my life. The real problem with healing is trying to be too much too fast. It’s a process, and you have to feel low to get back to feeling high.
I don’t always comment, but I always read and I am always cheering you on, understanding every step of the way.
Love to you, friend.
xoxo
I was praying for you and Landyn this morning, like I do every morning, and praying specifically for your heart (as I read this post last night). Then I was driving to work, listening to my favorite Christian radio station and “Walk by Faith” by Jeremy Camp came home. These particular lyrics stood out, and I was led to share them with you (I know, I know, I’m always sharing song lyrics
but they speak to me SOOOO much sometimes!)
Would I believe You when You would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me
Help me to win my endless fears
You’ve been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do
No matter how defeated you are feeling, He’s got you covered!
Lindsey –
I have been divorced for 14 years (by my initiative and my mistakes) and I still struggle with some of your same issues as a christian – as a matter of fact I came across your blog about a month ago searching for answers; acceptance; advice; encouragement. I can so relate to this post and while this may not seem like an encouraging comment, I want you to know that your honesty in posting how you are struggling has helped me and I want to thank you!
Minute by minute…some days that is the only way through. You are stronger than you think…we all are!
Beautiful post friend!
I feel like we are experiencing the exact some thing right now in our lives. I read your posts and can relate to everything you are feeling and experiencing! A dear friend of mine sent the following to me a few weeks back when I felt like I couldn’t cope anymore, I hope it helps you the way it has me. Sending love and prayers your way!
It’s only the beginning now
…a pathway yet unknown
At times the sounds of others steps
…sometimes we walk alone.
The best beginnings of our lives
May sometimes end in sorrow
But even on our darkest days
The sun will shine tomorrow.
So we must do our very best
Whatever life may bring
And look beyond the winter chill
To smell the breath of spring.
Into each life will always come
A time to start anew
A new beginning for each heart
As fresh as morning dew.
Although the cares of life are great
And hands are bowed so low
The storms of life will leave behind
The wonder of a rainbow.
The years will never take away
Our chance to start anew
It’s only the beginning now
So dreams can still come true.
refinement is one of the most painful processes in life, but the most beautiful in the long run…
you are learning endurance and perseverance–two things that can’t be bought or planned.
you got this, as long as you keep giving and giving and giving to Him.