5 years later

Death is a concept, I am not sure I will ever fully grasp.

While there is nothing more certain to life, it’s easy to shun the idea until we are forced to meet it head on.

 Never before have I felt the multitude of emotions, as I did the day we lost Jonny.

May 27, 2007,  I lost a dear friend in a car accident. 

{You may recall my post on footprints}.

They say time heals, but I can promise you 5 years later, it feels no different. The pain still cuts deep.

I remember the smell in the air. I remember the phone call that he had gone missing. I remember the desperation as we physically combed the canyons searching, calling his name.  I remember Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry” constantly echoing in the background. I remember exactly where I was when I received the news. I remember complete denial. I remember sobbing.

While I believe in heaven, and I have no doubt that the angels have been rejoicing since Jonny entered their kingdom, it still doesn’t make perfect sense.

Ecclesiastes 3:2  tells us… there is a time to be born, and a time to die. 

And while that is a beautiful truth, it doesn’t seem fair that a perfect life would be cut short.

Visiting Jonny’s grave site yesterday with his beautiful Momma, was the perfect healing. It allowed me to revisit these emotions of 5 years ago, and truly feel the pain from the depths of my soul. While I definetely grieved his untimely death, I am not sure I fully dealt with it. At the time, I wanted so badly to block it from my mind, for my reality seemed far to threatening. And while not a day has gone by that I have not thought of him, I knew when I was ready, I would go there.

I believe it took me being in my present situation, to truly see how much work I have to do on myself. It is so freeing to revisit past hurts, and deal with them the right way. Looking back, it’s been so easy to run to mom and dad and be handed a “get out of life free” card.

But once YOUR a momma, and have no choice but to be an adult, you quickly learn to DEAL with it.

All people experience different magnitutes of pain in their lives. I’m learning (slowly), to be moved by the pain. Embrace it and let the current move you. Jonny’s greatest philosophy was “fear is an illusion”. He always allowed himself to feel the pain of what he feared, and be transformed by it. He never let fear stop him from chasing his dreams. If we are brought to it, we will be brought thru it. I strive to carry Jonny’s legacy in my heart everyday. I strive to have more fearlessness in my life. I challenge myself to see outside my comfort zone. Always see outside the box.

While loosing someone so close to me, will never perfect sense, I can see the work it has done in me, and see some good in that. 5 years later, I can still hear Jonny’s voice, his quarky sayings, I can remember his smell. That never goes away. I can stop myself in my tracks when I’ve faced a fork in the road, and hear him whisper the right way to me. While the little “triggers” used to throw me over the edge, I can now thank God that I was blessed to know such a beautiful soul that is still with me, 5 years later. That is a gift.

And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket  
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life  
  It’s time to be a big girl now  
   And big girls don’t cry
-Fergie
…..
I love you Jonny! Always have, always will. We miss you more than words will ever describe.

 

Comments

  1. Allie says:

    You are fearless! I’m so proud of your searching for true happiness for you and Landyn and fighting for it! Jonny would be proud of the women we have become. He was a part of our lives as girls and we were lucky to have him through that. Love you

  2. Cara says:

    Oh my goodness, how inspiring, and RAW! I praise you on your ability to share the depths of your heart in this, while still reminding yourselves of the truth of God’s word. Thank you for this. I’m sure that sometime during my life I will come back to this blog post and reap encouragement from it. Thank you. Thank you.

  3. lori says:

    losing a friend is NEVER easy. praying for peace through this difficult time… even 5 years later. time doesn’t heal ALL wounds, i think we can all agree!

  4. Hugs friend. I think your outlook on it is definitely a healing one. =)
    xx

  5. Shirley Lupton says:

    It is nice that you stay in touch with Jonny’s mother, I am sure it is great comfort to her. I think you are more than ready for the big girl panties. God’s blessings on you and Landry.

  6. What a beautiful post friend! Death of a loved one is my biggest fear in life. I can not even imagine the pain. I love that you are conquering your pain head on and using Johnny’s legacy to help you!!! Blessings to you my friend! Muah!!

  7. I”m so sorry for your pain and loss of your friend! Beautiful post! xoxo

  8. Lilli Toby says:

    I know this sucks completely and utterly all too well. much love for you honey. xoxo

  9. Lindsay says:

    i am so sorry!! i know this friend was so good and true to your heart. it is terrible losing anyone, let alone someone so young and full of life. it breaks the heart, and with some losses it never full heals. whether a friend, spouse, or family member.
    this post is beautiful and i can tell you jonny is definitely watching over you :)

  10. Lindsay says:

    i am so sorry!! i know this friend was so good and true to your heart. it is terrible losing anyone, let alone someone so young and full of life. it breaks the heart, and with some losses it never full heals. whether a friend, spouse, or family member.
    this post is beautiful and i can tell you jonny is definitely watching over you

  11. Lisa @ MMT says:

    Your new outlook on losing Jonny is so beautiful. It really touches my heart as we remembered on Memorial day, a dear friend that passed away too young. It has left a lot of his Marine brothers wondering why and I hope someday they come to have the same outlook as you. Remembering their legacy and the good moments.

  12. I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like he was a beautiful person and had some wonderful philosophies, which have lived on in you since his passing.

  13. Esme says:

    You have no idea how powerful your post was. I was destined to find this blog because you have opened my eyes to see things in a different way. I can’t say I know how you feel because everyone reacts different to every situation but I am going through something similar to your situation along w/other life issues but reading this gave me chills. I’m sure your friend Jonny is with you every step and he is smiling down at you. What spoke to me and hit home the most was “be moved by the pain. Embrace it and let the current move you. Jonny’s greatest philosophy was “fear is an illusion”. He always allowed himself to feel the pain of what he feared, and be transformed by it.”

    Thank you for sharing

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  1. [...] I learned some of my biggest life lessons through my college years. I had my first run in with death at 24, and that forever changed the way I view life. August 5, 2009 was the best day of my life [...]

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