The holiday’s proved to be harder on me than I had imagined, so I took a little breather…
With the closing of 2012, I have been compiling a year in review of sorts in my head. A mental awareness of life that has happened this year, both good and bad. I am digging deep into the archives of my mind and revisiting some of the heavier times thrown my way this year. I am revisiting emotions I felt this time last year as the holidays approached or when my marriage came to an end. I am combing through the days of uncertainity when my life was in the hands of the California legal system. The days I felt completely defeated as a parent and had to become a half time mom just like every other parent that becomes the victim of divorce. Or the point when I developed a love affair for a small town in Kentucky, because it allowed me to run from my pain at home, my reality.
And then I revisit my blog posts of this past year, and while they parallel my emotions felt at that moment in time to some extent, there came a point when my words masked what was really going on in my life. My usual transparent self, completely shut down. I no longer wanted to document my life because there was nothing about it I felt proud of. I didn’t want you to know that the things that built me up, the things I had spent years pouring my heart and soul into, like this space, my handmade business, or being a leader in my MOPS group at church, I completely withdrew from. These very things that hold me accountable on a day to day basis, I pushed away, for that would mean I would have to face my reality, and I wasn’t ready for that. I kept my life long friends close, but shut everyone else out.
I felt guilty when the emails poured in from people in similar situations or girl friends asking how I made being a single mom look so easy. I am so far from having this life perfected you guys. So I shut down.
I was having this internal battle on what direction to take this blog. I wanted to stay true to my real, honest, heartfelt brand that everyone knew me for, but didn’t want to reveal my current reality. I considered going a different route all together where I didn’t have to expose so much of ME, but I knew I wanted to stay true to myself and my offering to you all, writing and sharing my story. I was torn. I didn’t want to walk away completely from this space, but I knew I needed to take a step back. I decided to take the focus off my personal life and narrowed in more on my love for personal style and my mission to help others create health in their lives. Both things I could share with passion without having to be vulnerable in my personal life.
Where am I currently you ask?
I feel as though I’ve been living under a rock for a year (it has been a year this month since Chris and I filed for divorce), and am just now coming up to face my reality. I closed a heavy chapter with Kentucky in mid November because the cards were not aligning and the distance was unbearable. And while I don’t have much to say on that entire relationship, I can tell you I learned a lot. I went into something before I had healed from my divorce, which at the time seemed doable because we lived 3,000 miles apart and minimal time was being exerted from my day to day life. It was simply a distraction and someone to talk to at the end of the day. It was one fun, carefree weekend a month where my reality back home could be escaped. Don’t get me wrong, I have left a piece of my heart in that small town. I will forever cherish the friendships I made, the lessons I learned, and most importantly what being there taught me. And who’s to say one day God won’t lead me back there?…. but for the time being I need some time to heal from that chapter too. For now, I have some work to do on myself. The pain still cuts deep you guys. What I am grateful for is the friendship that Chris and I have recently committed to. It’s been a roller coaster with us, but we have come to a common ground of forgiveness and there’s nothing more I could ask for at this point. I respect him as a father. I respect him as a friend. I’m not sure there was any other person I could do this co parenting thing with. So for that I am grateful. I am standing on my own two feet and thank God everyday for my two supportive parents, my sister, and that little girl that brings me more joy then anything on this earth. I know I couldn’t do it without them. In the meantime, I am taking it one day at a time, and really focusing on getting back to me. I am learning what it means to be single and how to truly embrace that. I am working thru my weaknesses so I go into my next relationship willing and able to give all of me.
And in getting back to me, comes getting back to the blog. Back to what I build this space on. Thank you all for your love and support over this past year and continuing to follow me on this crazy journey. I love each and every one of you.
Here’s to new beginnings.
Happy New Year.
LeeLaLa is on: