I have edited this post quite a few times in hopes that I say all the right things and protect everyone involved. I walk a fine line with this subject and while I love sharing my story with you all, I always try my best to write with that in mind.
It’s been awhile since I did an update on the “time shared” aspect of our lives. I know there are some of you that are living, or have lived, a situation similar. I also know that my transparency in my experience with divorce, custody, and single parenting offers hope and support to some of you. Truly, this is therapy for all of us.
A lot has changed since I wrote last. At the beginning of 2012, a 50/50 custody split became my reality. Half the time with her dad. Half with me. It was heartbreaking as a mom to give up half of her. Up until that point I was present for every milestone, every minute to her day, and suddenly some outsider was going to tell me what was in her best interest. I think the hardest part for me has always been putting my trust into someone that I never fully trusted to begin with. A year and a half later, and I still struggle with the same things. Just less of the time.
The custody schedule quickly worked it’s way into my favor. And while I’ll never publicly express my opinions on him as a father, I’ll be transparent on the current state of things. I’ve learned over the past two years that what goes on during his watch is completely out of my control. All I can do is my part and fill in the gaps the best I can. The past two years have been spent fine tuning Landyn and I’s life. I’m more cautious. I ask questions. I stand up for myself. I speak up. I deal with things as they happen. I think ahead. I validate. I’m honest with myself.
I’m not saying any of this comes without drawbacks. Do I worry about the health of that father/daughter relationship? Absolutely. Does the time she does spend away from me still prove to be a struggle? 3 days of complete pit in my stomach anxiety. Does being a one parent show day in and day out become exhausting. Without a doubt but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Do I second guess myself and wonder if I am covering all the bases with her because no one else will? Definitely. I am working through all of these things as they are constantly swirling around in my head. I am not sure if I will ever be completely okay with any of it.
It’s so easy to paint a perfect picture of our life through all the social media channels. I’ve been told I do that well. But the reality is no situation is perfect. Josh and I both give and take. There’s nights that this is the topic of our conversation and he listens to me vent. But I think the openness we share as a couple is what strengthens our bond and makes us work. He’s exactly what I need. His patience. His support. His dedication. Life currently has me feeling so incredibly blessed. I’m an advocate for anyone struggling in a bad situation to FIND YOUR HAPPINESS. It’s there I promise you. There may be times of struggle, but always stand up for yourself and do what is best for you.
Leelala is on: